Peter Stuyvesant.
Without a scarf
the neck is just a skin tube.
Stray dogs.
You white, one-legged son of a bitch.
You took Manhattan like you were a bunch of Muppets!
But your time is over.
My family is Lakota Sioux.
I know I don't look it,
but it's a Heather Locklear situation.
Google it.
I have Iktomi the spider on my side,
and I don't want to brag,
but he is one of the more famous trickster spiders.
And today, we're gonna go to the NFL owners' meeting
and change the name of your precious Washington Redskins!
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
I didn't expect a movie about Wallace Shawn eating alone
to be so loud.
Mm. The part with the yogurt was scary.
So you want to go for a walk?
Oh, I already hit my step-count goals for the day.
Two hundred.
Okay.
Well, I'll give you a call?
Text me.
I ran out of minutes trying to win this radio contest.
I wanted to meet Trace Adkins
to see if they were a group, a person, or a diet plan.
Bathroom key, s'il vous please.
I got two rules here, pal.
Number one:
Never box yourself in
with an unnecessarily low rule number.
Two:
BCO, baby.
Bathroom for customers only.
Oh, I'm a customer.
I bought a Charleston Chew here in 2007.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
That might have worked with the last guy.
New owner, new rules.
Sir, I was just in a very long movie,
and I couldn't go to the bathroom there because I was on a date with another man.
He could just walk in, get a side view,
and then, where's the mystery?
Buy something!
Can I interest you in an all-beak hot dog?
Did you say "beef" or "beak"?
- Ah... -
Ah, was that so hard?
Here you go.
Another 75 cents towards retirement.
Someday, I'll see a boat in person.
Orson.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to clean up my son's mess,
like I'm some Four Seasons hot tub attendant.
It's 'cause of the jets I do that.
Haven't you said enough?
Well, what exactly do you have on there?
What did my son say?
Oh, just that concussions are good for business.
You make the footballs while the pigs are still alive.
Over the years, you've killed four Eli Mannings.
But people know that already, right?
The clones are not convincing.
Have you seen the latest Toyota commercial?
Toyoga!
God damn it!
This is what I get for having children with a woman.
I mean, he's half girl.
Well, you can make it all go away.
Change the name,
and this never sees the light of day.
I don't like losing.
I'm a white man. We always win.
Except at sports.
Except at hockey!
You can bully me.
You can threaten.
You can even have that breath you have right now,
but the Redskins are done.
We're gonna stop you.
Right, Dad?
We?
The only thing you're doing is waiting in the car.
Can I at least call OnStar and pretend I've had an accident?
No! That's for good boys.
Hey!
How was the big date?
Meh...
After the movie, he suggested walking,
which would be exciting if I were a baby or a mermaid.
But I'm neither.
So are you gonna call him? Or does he call you?
How do boys decide who calls?
Is that what "top" means?
Ignoring this.
And then afterwards,
I went to the gas station to use the bathroom,
and it's got a "customers only" policy now.
I was forced to buy gum.
Gum is the lie your mouth tells your stomach.
Titus, just use our bathroom.
Never, Kimmy Jimmel.
Our bathroom is strictly for grooming, shame eating,
and pep talks before trying to put on jeans.
Unlike you, I have some self-respect,
which means I need to get my own copy of that key.
How?
A heist.
Stealing, Titus? Really?
No, gas station man is stealing from me.
I have been pooping-- or whatever, maintain the mystery--
there for years.
But to right this wrong, I'm gonna need your help.
No way.
In philosophy, we've been learning
about good and evil,
and I think stealing is evil.
Need I remind you, you owe me one.
Girl, I'm trying to watch this!
Thanks. I owe you one.
Dang it.
Going back on a promise would mean breaking the Rousseauvian social contract.
That's right.
So let's go steal the key to a gas station bathroom.
We get in, we get out,
like a Titus on prom night.
Just act natural...
Hello. It is today.
...and buy something normal.
I'm having a dinner party,
and I'm serving duck.
So I'll need...
a carton of red Pixy Stix.
I gotta warn you, these are "Child Beauty Pageant" strength.
Okay?
After you buy something,
get the key.
Real cool.
Say, compadre,
I need to make plops.
There you go.
Throw the key out the bathroom window
so I can take it to the hardware store.
I'll run like the wind.
I know you won't.
The wind can be slow, Kimmy.
Wait until you hear my signal.
Buh-bird! Bird!
Buh-buh-buh-bird!
Head back to the counter.
My associate will return the original key to you.
Thank you for the bowl.
Oh, sure. Here's your change.
What did those people do to get banned?
The usual.
Shoplifting.
Taking two pennies
when it clearly says, "Take a penny."
Shooting me twice, leaving me for dead.
Well, thank you so much.
Have a good day. I don't live around here.
Change the name! Change the name!
I love you, Dad!
Change the name! Change the name!
Change the name! Change the name! Change the name!
Change the name!
Change the name! Change the name! Change the name!
Mom, Dad, you're here!
Did your powers tell you that something important was happening?
We don't have powers.
We're here to protest the Redskins, Jackie Lynn.
And to eat at that restaurant where the waiters are ninjas.
We would have called, but... you're kind of what we're protesting.
No, Mom, I'm taking them down
from the inside, like a Trojan horse.
On the outside, I'm a beautiful golden pony,
but on the inside, I'm teeming with filthy Greek men.
Hey, Fern, she's got another plan.
Well, isn't that just wonderful?
I know I've made mistakes,
and I've eaten crow.
But not really, right?
Only once, and I learned that
I never want to eat crow meat again.
So today's gonna be different,
and you'll be the ones trying to knock a crow out of the air with a rake.
Change the name! Change the name!
Ooh! That's the business.
Business idea! Start a business!
Kimmy, we got a problem.
First of all, that chili I found is going right through me.
No, if this has anything to do with that bathroom, I did my part.
You got the key. We're square.
Key's no good if I can't use it.
Paulie sits right by the door.
If he sees me come in, at some point, he's gonna start to wonder where I went,
'cause I intrigue people.
You need to distract him
so I can go in; make him turn around--
No way, Titus. I'm out.
You're out?
You don't get to quit this life.
I'm going to the bathroom.
If I get caught, I'm not going down alone.
You feel me, baby girl?
No, Titus. I'm not a crook.
If I'm gonna have my picture in a gas station,
it'll be for a good reason, like I'm sick and the community is raising money
so I can have one last birthday party.
Well, then we best get going.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm...
Got any packs
without those warnings?
I'm not a big reader.
Maybe if I hear the name,
I'll remember which brand of condom I liked so much.
We have expired Trojans, Safeway Select,
Lil' Stinkers, El Bandito Picante,
Monologue-- for the careful masturbator--
Garbage D by Hefty,
and Gonzo's Nose for the curved gentleman.
We're all out of Pixy Stix.
Don't do me like that, Paulie!
I need my Stix!
Come on, people.
You let one person play their mistress's music video,
everybody's gonna want to play their mistress's music video.
My video is just Marge here eating a birthday cake made of meat.
She just goes off.
I see we have a new face in the room.
Yep!
I got a new face
'cause I ran my Jet Ski into a Chipotle.
I meant Orson's guest.
My name is Jacqueline White.
And I have something
you're all gonna want to see.
Ooh, is it a skinny kid and a fat kid
and the skinny kid's playing a big ol' tuba
and the fat kid's playing a little tiny flute?
Um, no.
In a moment,
Mr. Snyder is going to ask
to change the name of the Redskins.
Damn it!
Can a lady get a heads-up
before she tucks into a dang sub?
Sorry.
But this is why you're all gonna go along with it.
Mr. Gozer, would you turn on the TV?
Okay.
- Uh, that's the wrong input. - No, honey.
'Cause I have something you're gonna want to see.
Back to you, Guy.
Breaking news: Duke LaCrosse Snyder,
who was tapped to succeed his father, Orson,
as chairman of the Washington Redskins,
has been arrested in Midtown Manhattan,
after family members, concerned
by a pattern of increasingly erratic behavior
discovered that he had been radicalized by ISIS.
You don't understand!
This is 'cause Cork Rockingham found out about the baloney!
Authorities tell us there is no such person as Cork Rockingham.
A statement by the Department of Homeland Security says, in part,
"Duke Snyder is a deranged individual
who consistently replies 'maybe' on Evites.
Anything he says should be considered
a lie intended to harm America."
- Tough day-- -
So... what'd you want to show us?
Oh!
Is it Octonauts?
You did that to your own son?
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The league has enough problems
as it is, Ms. White.
Viewership is down almost 10%, ad revenue is falling,
and merchandise sales are off.
The number-one-selling jersey last year was Colin Kaepernick,
and he's a damn anthem-kneeler.
Americans don't kneel.
Come over here and try to bend this!
You people don't care about anything.
Except money.
"You people," is it, huh?
And the Department of Justice thinks I'm a racist.
Send in an Eli Manning to escort Ms. White out, please.
Toyoga!
Oh, is it those quadruplets laughing?
I haven't had a bathroom situation this good
since I got picked for that Depends focus group.
The world was my bathroom, Kimmy.
Quit yelling about bathrooms, man.
It's the fuzz. He's being carried by Paulie.
Hey, hey, hey. Kimmy, right?
Did you ever find those extra-wide tampons?
Nah, man. Always looking, though.
Hi, I-I'm Paulie Fucillo.
Am I being racist, or have we met?
-Racist. -Oh.
Uh, that's a beautiful scarf.
The Fucillos were weavers in the old country.
They had a saying...
"Without a scarf
the neck is just a skin tube."
Uh, I gotta get back to work.
It's good to know that we're neighbors,
and if you ever need to borrow
a cup of sugar,
you're gonna have to pay, 'cause I run a store.
You gave him your real name?
You want me to say my name's Rock 'n' Roll Rhonda
when I'm wearing a fudging "Kimmy" necklace?
And now he knows where we live.
Well, he won't suspect a thing unless one of us cracks.
So you better get small, muchacho, get small fast.
I knew this was a bad idea, Titus.
Like "orange juice with pulp" bad.
Titus?
What the fudge are you doing, you crazy motherfudger?
You need to lay off the fairy dust, Bright Lights Big Schmidty.
I got a good thing going
with this bathroom, and I'm not gonna let you blow it.
Me? You're the one pooping like a carriage horse.
I should go throw this key in the river right now.
Whoa.
Okay. Don't have a Kim-bolism.
Just...
be like Fonzie.
Jewish?
That's right. Real Jewish.
I don't get it.
The bathroom is a mess.
Toilet paper use is up.
Some jamoke
is using the bathroom without me knowing it.
Now, my mama didn't raise no fool.
'Cause she abandoned me in a hospital.
You're right.
Kimmy comes by a lot,
but she doesn't use the bathroom.
She-- She comes up to the counter...
but she doesn't buy anything.
So...
So either she's in love with me...
Or-- Or she's a patsy.
It's time to put some pressure on the weak link.
Ina, Até...
I just wanted to give you this necklace back.
My mother's necklace?
I thought she was buried with this.
The point is, I failed, okay?
Even with Iktomi on my side.
Iktomi? You don't want him on your side.
He's always lying
about having a magic bag so he can murder ducks or whatever.
He's a wily trickster.
Well, I'm done failing.
'Cause I'm done trying. I give up.
For good.
Oh, honey, it's not your fault.
Those rich white folks
don't care about anyone but themselves.
And their money.
Greed is part of human nature.
That's how Iktomi takes advantage of people.
--Oh...
Time to burn some merch.
That's the cool way of saying "merchandise."
Wait. Are you gonna burn that?
Of course. If you're protesting, you burn stuff.
Draft cards, bras, Los Angeles.
How much do those things cost?
250 bucks.
Good thing Trump's gonna make us all rich, right?
Mr. Fucillo.
Ah, call me Paulie.
Or Zippy. I'm trying to get that going.
Hmm.
I feel bad that I never have the stuff that you want at the store.
So...
got you these.
Bangladeshi cigarettes.
No health warning.
-Oh. -Help yourself.
- Hmm. -
Hmm.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah, you can really taste the... - "Stray dogs."
Do you mind if I come in? I think you could help me with something.
Oh. Of course.
- Here. -
What do you see here, Kimmy?
It's a...
It's a bathroom.
And here?
-And here? And here? -Why are you making me look at this?
Because that's the same beautiful bathroom
after some psycho was done with it,
and every day at 4:00 p.m.,
I have to clean up the mess.
Someone's got a key, Kimmy.
So just change the lock.
Then this will all be over!
And let the son of a bitch get away with it?
Nah.
Whoever did this... is goin' on the wall.
Here.
Kimmy, you're a good kid.
I don't even pick the cashews out of nut mixes.
You just made a mistake.
But don't let this sick bastard do to you
what he did to Sharon.
That's her name.
My bathroom.
Sharon.
It wasn't my idea.
- It was-- - Hey!
What's going on here?
Who said you could talk to my Kimmy?
This is my work number.
I always answer it
because I'm entered into a lot of raffles for free boat rides.
Uh-uh, girl.
You don't talk to anyone from now on.
You just get some rest.
Titus is gonna take care of everything.
I don't know what you think you know,
but you don't even know my name,
and if my name isn't
Titus Andromedon-- Damn it!
I'm gonna go now.
Catch you later...
Titus.
Wait.
You're the mistress from the music video.
Told you bitches I so famous.
Why are you all here?
- Is the meeting over? - Almost.
We just got group SMS.
"Wrapping up early.
Wash it and be downstairs in five."
Five minutes?
I'll never make it up there in time.
Kimmy's phone.
If you're a cop, you have to tell me.
Cork? I mean, Flouncy.
I need you to sing The Star-Spangled Banner
right now and really milk it.
Is this a dream? Are there people in the room?
I don't care! God bless America!
If there are no objections, this concludes--
We don't have a flag.
Mmm.
Okay, what's the--
Oh!
Okay.
What's the single most important thing to everyone in this room?
Doing my best.
No. Money.
And I've got the keys to the treasure chest.
Go ahead, Kimmy, do it.
Come any closer, you'll never poop again.
That's the dream.
Girl, you think that's the only key?
I got keys in different area trees.
-That's Ludacris! -Is it?
--This is over when I say it's over.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna perform a victorious scarf flip
and be on my way.
I left my scarf in the bathroom.
You did what?
At least I remembered to put my pants and shirt back on.
If Paulie finds that scarf, he has proof.
He'll put us on the wall!
Okay... he cleans the bathroom every day at 4:00.
We've got 20 minutes.
That's not enough time.
I hear the bathrooms in Canada are real nice.
No! I'm a good person.
I don't belong on the wall with scumbags
like Meth-Head Charlie and Pizza Rat.
You owe me!
One last score.
Why did Colin Kaepernick
have the number-one-selling jersey last year?
It's because he made people mad,
and nothing motivates Americans like outrage.
Just look at the election.
-The emails. -No stamina.
Her hair!
Well, downstairs, a group of very angry Native Americans
are burning Redskins jerseys
at $250 a pop.
So? It's just more money for me.
Exactly.
You're making money off of people that hate you.
It's like if I made money off brunettes.
And think about it.
When a fan buys a jersey,
they keep it for life,
but when a protester buys a jersey,
they burn it and buy another one next week.
Hang on. Are you trying to get me to change the name or not?
It's just, Native Americans are such a tiny minority.
So what if you offended a much bigger group?
America is angry...
about everything.
Immigration, public breastfeeding,
shooting gorillas!
You tap into that, and just think of the money you can make.
All of you.
Like, if we became the Jacksonville Hillaries,
half the country would buy the jerseys to burn them
and the other half of the country would buy 'em because--
I don't know. They loved Benghazi.
The Kansas City Islams.
The Houston WNBAs.
The Dallas Piano Lessons!
The Tennessee Bath-Lovers!
What? Just me?
You wanna sit in your own filth water?
I'd buy that jersey just to support bath-taking.
How am I supposed to smoke in the shower?
If you think I'm gonna throw away decades of tradition
as if it were just-- just one of my sons--
The Washington Gun-Takers.
Oh, nobody takes my guns!
Why, I'd buy a jersey just to shoot it full of holes!
Ooh!
You're a genius!
And you and Duke
are two of the worst people I have ever met,
and I once rode a ski lift with the Property Brothers.
--Thank you.
Property Brothers!
Hey...
Good to see you, Kimmy.
I sure hope you came here to step up and do the right thing.
I don't know what you mean, Zippy.
I just need a box of...
Pubic Chigger Bombs.
That's too bad,
'cause if you think
I'm gonna turn around
so you can sneak your friend in here,
you got another thing coming.
Because I've been practicing.
Any-- Chigger--
Ah.
Ha-ha.
Your Chigger Bomb, madam.
Anything else?
You gonna answer that?
Damn it.
All right, where the hell is it?
Just turn around. Maybe you won a boat ride.
Don't you think I know what's at stake here?
Okay.
Hello?
Hello? BoatScam.com?
Titus?
Oh, my God.
Hey. It's Mikey Politano.
Remember?
We almost died trying to fit into your shower.
Yes, Mikey. Hi.
Sorry, I'm just-- What are the chances?
I don't know.
I work right around the corner from your apartment.
When I eat lunch on a beam, I can see your roof.
You know it's got a rudder on it?
- So how are you? - Good.
I been, uh, getting out there, like you told me to.
Seeing the big, beautiful gay world.
I went to Fire Island, and it was wild.
I touched a deer.
Mm-hmm.
And how is Jumpf?
Oh, Jeff. That didn't work out.
-Oh. -But I've been, you know, dating.
Me too, obviously. Can't cage a bird.
But then I met this Wall Street guy.
His name's Andrew.
We're actually headed upstate for the weekend.
We're going to Storm King!
I'm just picking up snacks and Gonzo Noses.
How wonderful.
Next thing you know, you'll be like me.
Having romantic weekends every day of the week,
eating cheese for dessert on purpose,
shopping local, thinking global.
Japan, for example.
Generally, just living my best life.
--Ha, I knew it!
You stole my bathroom key so you could poop here for free!
I tried to stall,
but now we're gonna be banned from this gas station for life!
Banned.
Banned!
Now get out of here while I clean up your mess.
Oh, damn it, Titus!
It's like someone flipped over
a Roy Rogers fixings bar in here!
Well, I'm also seeing someone.
His name is Reuben,
and he's as hot as the sandwich he's named after.
Yeah.
After the last date, you were like,
"Sproi-oi-oing!"
Titus is doing great.
His scurvy's gone.
He didn't eat Dionne Warwick.
Our neighbor got HBO and we can hear it through the wall.
- Stop helping. - Okay.
Cool.
Glad you're doing good.
So I'll see you around.
He might not come back, Kimmy.
I've just been waiting for him,
but he might not come back.
Maybe I should give Sandwich a real chance.
I mean, Reuben.
What the hell are you still doing here?
Get a life, why don't ya?
You're right. I will.
Banned!
Now on the clock, the Washington Gun-Takers
with the 20th pick of the NFL draft.
Up next, the Seattle Raisins That You Think Are Chocolate Chips.
Ugh, I hate them. They're liars.
Jackie Lynn,
I haven't been this proud of you
since that misprint in the paper said that you were
a National Merit Finalist.
Boyogas!
Well, that's new.
I guess they killed another Eli Manning.
--Boyogas?
-Good night, everybody! -Good night!